You Get What You Pay For

By: Miguel Adrian A. Yu

At around 12:55 in the afternoon, it’s a one hot journey down the halls of Palma. To make matters worse, a friend of mine started losing sensation on his peripherals followed by an immense gust of wind up in his head. Alarmed by the possibility of a heart attack, I told him to come with me to the University Health Service (UHS) as I was also heading there for a physical examination. According to the UP website, the UHS is a 50-bed primary hospital fully capable of handling simple, uncomplicated and stable medical conditions. In addition, it is also staffed with consultants from different specialties. You’ve got to admit that it sounds promising, right? So let’s continue on our journey, shall we?

 When we arrived in the emergency room, we were greeted with grins as cold as the air-conditioning. While my friend was filling up the consent form, I wandered around the facility and laid my eyes on a board that listed the non-admissible cases which include the old, the infectious, the pregnant and the mentally ill. It took a zillion years for a physician to examine my friend even though his blood pressure is way up the roof. Well, she was having her lunch with her fellow nurses, doctors and dentists - so let’s just let her enjoy it while my friend succumbs to the highs of pain and torture. But hey, even though he ended up getting confined for more tests, he didn’t have to spend a single dime!

While they were doing tests on my friend, I decided to go on and through the process of my physical examination. If you are an incoming freshman or someone who just wants to save a lot of bucks to get that medical certificate, then this serves as a walkthrough for you. First stop, the record section. It was about 1:22pm and this section was still unattended – oh I wished they had a bell I can ring upon the counter! When you finally get the paper work done, you should proceed down the dimly lit hall with alternating blue and yellow flooring to the dental section. It’s time to show them how pampered your chewing machine is. So you sit on the tooth fairy’s chair, and you couldn’t help but notice 3 bottles of whisky on his shelf - just hope and pray that he wasn’t in his fantasy world just yet. A little open sesame and you’re off to the laboratory wherein it is required to get a stool and urine sample.

So make your way to the shady restroom and sit on the white throne. Use the red and blue container and fill it up with a little bit of specimen. The remnants of it, well, you kind of have to leave there since you wouldn’t be able to get rid of it. Then it’s time for a little bit of radiation, take your shirt off, wait for the click and you’re done. Make your way up the winding path to the conference hall where you put your eyes to the test.

For assessing visual acuity, be ready to read a set of puny letters and words. They also test for color blindness so make sure to get a dose of carotene. Next stop is a climb up the Detecto Scale where you get your height and weight measured. You’ll be very impressed with the staffs’ skill in anthropometry as they do everything by the book. Now, if this is where you regret eating that burger instead of an apple, fear not as the weight watcher is there to help you.

Weight Watch, a program spearheaded by Ruth Manalo, the chief dietician of the Dietary department, aims to promote health and fitness among the students of the university. Who knows? You might become one of its biggest losers, a 144lbs weight loss success story! “Anything is possible as long as they are willing to go through this weight loss journey.” Manalo said.

Talking about a journey, this one is about to end.  Last stop is the Triage where you finally get what you came for. Rejoice and consider maximizing your trip to this place.  A place where; though service is somewhat mediocre, you’re gonna have to admit that it’s acceptable, considering that its price tag is without comparison.